Addictions

Before Covid hit, I was very much addicted to the high of meeting a new lover. I remember the feeling of it. The constant looking about, meeting eyes, wondering if they were “ the one”. I want to share with you a story that impacted my life greatly. It was right around 2017, I had reached a point in my life where I wasn’t sure what else I wanted to do. I had just come back from overseas, traveling around the world, finishing up Burning Man, and in a spot where I had no direction in life. It felt scary. I decided in that moment to take a freelance gig in Australia. On my way there, I met a string of magical people along the way. Spontaneously one of the connections I had made at Burning Man ended up being in Australia, he had invited me to an event that was happening there. Having just landed in a new country and job, I said yes. I took the time off ( which was within the first month of my staying there), located the ride, and found my way to a regional burn in Australia. You might be asking yourself now, how in the heavens did this woman have all the things she needed before making her way to a whole new bumble fuck spot of the world? Well… I didn’t. This was partly the adventure in me, and honestly looking back at it now having experienced me doing an episodic version of this years later, it was a form of adrenaline rush that was just borderline an addiction for me. I happened to have my tent with me, but outside of that, it was making sure that they had water on site ( which they did), bringing some stacks, and winging it along the way. My stay there ended up being a world wind of meeting different men, at all different stages of life. The man I had gone to see that invited me there ended up being a horrible jerk, grabbing my ass because he thought he could the second day we had met. I was leaning into my tent gathering up my things before my festival-like adventure and felt a squeeze on my right butt cheek. I immediately dropped him. A couple of other men asked me to go into their RV’s with them, tempting at that time, but I said no. Eventually, there was this one man that I had spotted in the middle of the dance floor my second evening there. He has a full face of hair ( which was my thing at that time) plus a huge grin on his face. I decided to tackle him and pin him to the floor. The rest of the evening was us dancing around, having sex in his tent, me not quite listening to my boundaries around condom use, and then slowly picking up the pieces throughout the rest of the event with him present. I was infatuated with his willingness to be with me, which was all I needed at that time. Sex in the forest ended up being a bonus, more of a check box on the list of many things Jessenia wanted to do at that time. That event eventually opened up space for a relationship between us, that ended up going on over the phone for around 6 months. I went up to Sydney to finnish up my gig, and he went back down to Melbourne where he ended up opening up feelings for another woman way older than him. In between all of that, was this phase of deep uncertainty that was the center of all of my addictions. Will he choose me over her? If I say nothing, will he decide on his own? Will he come to me? If I don’t fight for him. The following 6 months ended up being another series of painful experiences for me. My heart felt shattered. I was living in the same city that he did. By then, I had met a bunch of other people who I fell in love with at that time. They had opened up a whole new world for me, that hadn’t it been for that original interaction with this man, I would of never been open to. My heart continued to explode on multiple occasions. Giving him all the space he needed to see if he would want to come back to me while balancing a sense of friendship and independence. Any time I claimed my feelings for him, he would retreat and make his way to the other woman. A classic ‘twin-flame’ move. Up until the last moment I had decided to leave Melbourne altogether. I was tired, and my soul was drained. I finally left wanting to experience something else for myself. On my way out, he found out about my leaving the country and asked me to stay. That he would leave the other woman for me. But by that time, there was so much pain in my heart that there was no letting him near me. I wanted nothing to do with him, and for the first time in my life, I casted a nasty spell. A spell of never seeing each other for 5 years. I left the country, found my way into other adventures, and since then found out about his suicide attempt through him. We attempted to engage in between then, but eventually, he blocked me completely, and I no longer had access to him either. My pain inflected more pain, and since then we have never spoken to each other.